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Second in the Font-dations Series; The titles in this series are taken from the quirky phrases used to demonstrate different font types. They are font type, then phrase.

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"You're kidding me."

"I often kid you, Jim, but not in this case."

"I can't believe it. You led a deprived childhood."

"Hey--watch it. I had my share of Star Wars action figures and pre-sweetened cereal."

"But you never talked on a string telephone? How did you avoid that? It's one of the rites of childhood. It's... it's almost up there with using the cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels as a telescope."

"Or as a megaphone, or two toilet paper cores as binoculars. See? I know from childhood rituals. I even sang 'I see London, I see France...'"

"You mean girls in the communes wore underpants?"

"Please, Jim. I just had a mental flash of the time Naomi stepped out into a stiff breeze while wearing a mini-skirt. I'm traumatized enough without remembering that."

The Next Day

"Why'd you buy orange juice, Big Guy? We have almost a quart of Tropicana Mango Tangerine Mambo in the fridge."

"And it's been there for close to a month. One of us has to admit it's a failed experiment and dump it."

"Fine, I concede. But why'd you buy two cans of concentrate?"

"They were on sale."

The Day After That

"Don't throw that away, Sandburg."

"Why? Is the trash full?"

"No--just don't throw it away. Leave it in the sink, and I'll take care of it in a minute."

"Why would you need an empty orange juice can?"

Pause

"They've started a drive at the gym. If we collect enough food containers from the same company, they'll send a sick kid to Disneyworld."

"Are you sure about that? Sounds like a scam to me, man."

"Just leave the damn can alone, all right?"

"Yeah. Gah, bite my head off."

And The Day After That

"Jim, when are you going to take this can to that collection drive?"

"That's a different can."

"What? What happened to all the juice from the first one?"

"I drank it."

"Are you sure something isn't out of whack with your senses? I mean, sometimes when you get sudden food cravings, your body is trying to tell you something."

"Right now my body is telling you to quit nagging me about this. And give me that can."

And The Day After That

"What are you doing with the ice pick?"

"Jesus, Sandburg."

"No. We have an automatic ice maker, so there's no real reason for you to even *own* an ice pick, except on the off chance that you some day throw a party, and buy bag ice, and store it in the freezer, and have it freeze into a lump, and then have to chip it apart--which is the sort of anal eventuality that only you could plan for in advance. The other possibility is that you plan on discreetly murdering someone by slipping that into their ear, and since I'm the one that's around the most, and you've been acting weird the last couple of days, I think I have the right to ask, 'What the fuck?'"

"Damn it. This was going to be a surprise. Look at what else I'm carrying."

"Okay. Thin cord, paperclips, orange juice cans... Oh. Oh, no way."

"Stop laughing. Or at least wait till I get the damn thing finished."

"Can I watch?"

"Sure--the surprise is spoiled anyway. It's really simple. Look, I just poke a hole through the bottom of each can, like... this. Thread the cord through the hole, then tie the end to the paper clip, in the center mind you, and repeat on the other end. Now, you stretch the string out taut. You speak in one end, the vibrations travel through the string to the other end, and voila--a string telephone."

"That would be too cool for words, if it actually works."

"Of course it works, Darwin. I'm an expert at this. Here, you take this one, and I'll show you. Go in your room."

"How the hell much string did you use?"

"I don't know, but it has to be long enough for us to be in different rooms, out of each other's sight. Otherwise, what's the point?"

"Okay. Should I shut the door?"

"No, leave it ajar. This won't work around corners--the string has to stay straight. Crack the door, and that should give enough room to keep the string free, but you still won't be able to see me. You won't be able to hear me normally, either--I'll whisper."

"This is great!" Pause. "I'm ready!"

"Hold it to your ear!"

"I am."

"Then hold it to your mouth when you want to reply."

"I know how to use a phone! Talk already!"

"Can you hear this?"

"Cooooool."

"Use the can."

"Cool--with a capital C. Did you and Steven used to do this?"

"Not exactly. Sandburg, do you know how some people can't handle dealing with important issues face-to-face, and often choose to do it over the phone, because they feel more secure if they can't see the other person's face? How some guys, like, break up with someone over the phone?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it can work in the other direction, too."

"What do you mean?"

"Some guys don't have the courage to say I love you for the first time except over the phone."

"Jim?"

"I love you, Blair." Pause. "Should I have said 'I want you' first?"

"I don't give a flying fuck what order you say it in--you said it. Hallelujah!"

Laughter. "That's the reaction I was hoping for. Now, then, want to get your first obscene string telephone call?"

"Only if you promise to come in here when you're done and make it a collect call."

The end.

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Author's Acknowledgements: Thanks to Jan for beta and Patt for art.