Journal of Truth

Journal of Truth - Patt

Rafe and Brown sat in the back of the van reading Blair Sandburg's journal. Both men were on the verge of tears. Each day the young man had written was sadder and lonelier than the previous one. Who's idea had this been to take it from his desk? And who thought it would be funny? Rafe wondered to himself.

Journal of Truth
by B Sandburg

When people watch you, you don't even notice.

You're beautiful.

I wish I could tell you.

Rafe: Who do you think he's talking about, Brown?

Brown: I know, but I'm not saying." He sadly hung his head.

There was a cop in Vice that asked me out.

I'm considering it.

I don't have a chance with you.

You're out of my league.

Rafe: I don't understand. Hairboy is good looking. Why wouldn't he think he stood a chance with anyone?

Brown: He's lacking in confidence I would say.

Rafe: Why?

Brown: I don't know. I think we should stop reading it, Rafe.

Rafe: Just a few more pages, okay?

Brown: Then we move on.

I've seen you with men, but never like myself.

My heart hurts all the time anymore.

I wish you could see me.

I wish you could hear me.

I wish you could love me.

Someday, perhaps.

Reality tells me no.

Brown: I'm getting depressed. I never would have thought this is how Hairboy felt.

Rafe: That's why it's called a journal. If he wanted us to know he would have written in more than one. One for him, and one for us. (Snickering.)

Brown: It's not funny, asshole.

Rafe: Sorry. A few more and then we'll just sit and wait for Ellison.

Brown truly felt like this wasn't going to work out well at all.

I can't speak to anyone about this.

It would get back to Major Crime.

I can't have that happen.

No one must know.

Brown: Why is he so ashamed?

Rafe: Well, we don't want to know that he let a guy stick his dick up his ass. If it's a guy he's talking about. Right?

Brown: Why?

Rafe: Because. Guys don't want to know that shit.

Brown: So you don't care if it was Ellison, but you do if it's Sandburg?

Rafe: Does Ellison remind you of anyone that would let another person stick anything up his ass? I think not.

Brown: I guess that's true.

Rafe: Read on, Henri.

I nearly died tonight and was disappointed when I awoke.

I think I need to see someone about this.

All right, I know I need to.

I love you so much.

Why can't you love me?

Rafe: You're right. He's sounding sadder and sadder.

Brown: I can't believe we missed this, after all he's our friend, Rafe.

Rafe: We'll try and make it up to him.

Today, Brown caught me looking at someone.

He knows.

I don't think he'll tell anyone.

But what if he does?

Man, I'm fucked.

And not in a good way.

Rafe: Who is it?

Brown: Jim.

Rafe: Ellison? Jim Ellison?

Brown: Yes.

Rafe: It's too bad that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk to us.

Brown: Rafe, you just got done saying guys don't want to know. What did you expect?

Rafe: Truth. We'll make it up to him, I promise.

Brown must have said something.

People were whispering all day in the Bullpen.

I'll have to move now.

Jim will be so angry.

Why did Brown have to say anything?

Can't a man be in love if he wants to be?

I hate my life.

I'm so fucking lonely.

Rafe: (Shocked.) You told someone?

Brown: Just Joel and he told Simon and he told Conner. It was a fucking nightmare.

Rafe: You can make it up to him, Brown. Don't worry. Don't look so scared.

Brown: I really like Sandburg and I hurt him. It's breaking my heart.

I decided that tonight I'll pack up and move.

It's the best thing.

I can't stay at the loft anymore.

I won't be able to work at the station either.

Things have become unbearable.

Rafe: He can't move. Can you imagine Ellison without the Sandburg buffer?

Brown: I agree. We'll make sure he stays, Rafe.

I was unlovable as a child and I still am.

Not one of my mom's lovers wanted me to be a son.

I feel empty.

I'm so lonely.

I wanted to be loved by that certain someone.

I wanted to brag about him.

I wanted to be as cherished in his life;

As he was in mine.

Things aren't always meant to be.

There is no fate.

There is no Karma.

There is no Kismet.

There is no luck.

There is only loneliness and loss.

I move tonight.

For sure.

Rafe: I wonder when he wrote this?

Brown: I don't know. This all happened about three days ago. So we'll have to see what happened now.

Rafe: Read on, Henri.

I don't think I can live without him.

I don't want to.

I've been trying to kill myself for two days.

It's not working.

Why?

I have no reason to stay.

It should be easy.

I didn't have enough fucking nerve to move and now don't have enough to kill myself.

It's a wonder Jim was able to put up with me this long.

All I wanted was him.

All I wanted was to belong to him.

I wouldn't have asked him to remain loyal to only me.

I would have let him date others.

I think I could have done anything for him.

Tonight is the night.

Jim is going to be on stake-out.

It's too bad he'll hear about it like this.

I won't do it at home.

I couldn't leave that mess for him in the loft.

Man, I love him so much.

I'm going to miss him.

I'll write a nice note and tell him what a good friend he was.

I think I'll make him a farewell lasagna casserole.

Rafe: Oh fuck. We have to find Ellison, now.

Brown: His phone is off. He must be on his way here. We'll wait and see.

Rafe: What if Blair is gone already? He didn't say where.

Brown: We search until we find him and bring him home where he belongs. At the loft and in Major Crime.

At that very moment Jim arrived and climbed into the van on the side street and heard both Rafe and Brown's heartbeats going entirely too fast.

"What's up?"

"Jim, we found Blair's journal and we decided we were going to read it and tease him. I know it's shitty. But now you have to read it. It's important." Rafe handed the journal over to Jim.

"I don't feel good about that, guys. That was a shitty thing to do."

"We know. Just read. And read fast. Okay?" Brown pleaded.

"It's about a damn Christmas present, isn't it? He's been worried for a month over what to get me."

"Jim, it's not about Christmas. Please read it. Blair is going to kill himself." Rafe finally said it outright.

"He probably knew you guys would read it and wrote that in there." Jim smiled at both men and saw the sadness on both of their faces. "Fine, I'll read."

Jim started to read and he asked, "Was he talking about me?"

"Yeah, he was talking about you. He's been in love with you for a long while." Brown said calmly.

"I've been in love with him forever. I had no idea he felt that way." Jim said sadly. "I have to go."

"We'll fill Simon in on what's going on." Brown suggested.

"NO!!!! Please don't tell anyone about this." Jim pleaded.

"You're ashamed of him?" Rafe asked, suddenly protective of his friend.

"Not... I don't want him to lose his job for two months. I'd rather have him go to Simon and ask for time off. We'll get him help and he'll be good as new."

"Go, Ellison, god speed." Rafe shoved him out the door and quickly locked up behind him. "I hope this is going to end well."

"Me too." Brown said optimistically.

Jim sat in his parking lot watching the window of their loft. Blair was still there, so he had time to fix some things. He was going to add comments to all of Blair's writings.

When people watch you, you don't even notice. (That's because I was too busy watching people watch you and being jealous.)

You're beautiful. (Can't hold a candle to you, but thank you, babe.)

I wish I could tell you. (You just did. And you did it well.)

There was a cop in Vice that asked me out. (Who? I'm going to kick his ass.)

I'm considering it. (I don't share.)

I don't have a chance with you. (You're mine. I'm yours. Enough said.)

You're out of my league. (Now this is funny.)

I've seen you with men, but never like myself. (I could never find anyone as beautiful as you. And I never wanted to.)

My heart hurts all the time anymore. (Tell it to stop hurting as of now. That organ belongs to me also.)

I wish you could see me. (Oh, I see you, babe.)

I wish you could hear me. (I hear you, too.)

I wish you could love me. (I'll have to show you how much I love you for the next 50 years.)

Someday, perhaps. (Today, perhaps.)

Reality tells me no. (Reality, like the shows, suck. We're going to be happy.)

I can't speak to anyone about this. (You could have gone to anyone. They all love you.)

It would get back to Major Crime. (They don't care.)

I can't have that happen. (They… Don’t… Care!!!!)

No one must know. (They all know.)

I nearly died tonight and was disappointed when I awoke. (I would have died right after you. I swear.)

I think I need to see someone about this. (You think? I think we both do.)

All right, I know I need to. (Good, that's the first step.)

I love you so much. (I wish you would have told me, Chief.)

Why can't you love me? (I love you more than you'll ever know.)

Today, Brown caught me looking at someone. (I heard it was me. God, I was doing a snoopy dance of joy.)

He knows. (And he doesn't care.)

I don't think he'll tell anyone. (He was just kidding around, Chief.)

But what if he does? (I want everyone to know, babe.)

Man, I'm fucked. (Not yet, but you will be.)

And not in a good way. (I promise to always make it a good way, Blair.)

Brown must have said something. (He did and he feels like shit.)

People were whispering all day in the Bullpen. (I didn't hear a thing all day, Chief.)

I'll have to move now. (Not going to happen.)

Jim will be so angry. (I feel stupid, but I'm not angry. I love you.)

Why did Brown have to say anything? (He was teasing.)

Can't a man be in love if he wants to be? (Well, I know that I'm in love.)

I hate my life. (Things will get better, every single day.)

I'm so fucking lonely. (No need to be anymore. You have me.)

I decided that tonight I'll pack up and move. (No packing allowed in the loft.)

It's the best thing. (Oh, what do you know? I love you. That's what's best.)

I can't stay at the loft anymore. (Not in that dinky room anyhow.)

I won't be able to work at the station either. (Oh yes you will.)

Things have become unbearable. (I hear that, buddy. But things will get better, I promise.)

I was unlovable as a child and I still am. (Not true, Blair.)

Not one of my mom's lovers wanted me to be a son. (It was their loss.)

I feel empty. (I love you.)

I'm so lonely. (You won't be any longer.)

I wanted to be loved by that certain someone. (That's me and I do love you. I adore you.)

I wanted to brag about him. (So brag already.)

I wanted to be as cherished in his life as he was in mine. (You are, and I am.)

Things aren't always meant to be. (Yes, they are.)

There is no fate. (You're looking at me, babe.)

There is no Karma. (How else would I end up with a gorgeous guy like you?)

There is no Kismet. (We are destined to be together, Chief.)

There is no luck. (Oh yeah, there is.)

There is only loneliness and loss. (Not anymore.)

I move tonight. (You are never moving.)

For sure. (Never.)

I don't think I can live without him. (You won't have to, Chief.)

I don't want to. (And you won't.)

I've been trying to kill myself for two days. (We'll see some doctors, babe.)

It's not working. (Thank god for that.)

Why? (Because we were meant to be.)

I have no reason to stay. (You have me. You have love. You have our life together.)

It should be easy. (Never want it to be, Chief.)

I didn't have enough fucking nerve to move and now don't have enough to kill myself. (Again, I say, thank god.)

It's a wonder Jim was able to put up with me this long. (I love you more than you'll ever know.)

All I wanted was Jim. (You've got me.)

All I wanted was to belong to him. (You're mine.)

I wouldn't have asked him to remain loyal to only me. (I want no other.)

I would have let him date others. (Not a chance. And you'll date no one else, either.)

I think I could have done anything for him. (There is time to show me.)

Tonight is the night. (Tonight is the night we love all night long.)

Jim is going to be on stake-out. (Your friends read the journal and went nuts trying to figure out what to say or do.)

It's too bad he'll hear about it like this. (Won't happen, Chief.)

I won't do it at home. (You won't do it anywhere.)

I couldn't leave that mess for him in the loft.

Man, I love him so much. (And I love you, babe.)

I'm going to miss him. (You're stuck with me forever.)

I'll write a nice note and tell him what a good friend he was. (I know what a good friend we both are to each other. No more notes.)

I think I'll make him a farewell lasagna casserole. (I never want to eat it again. Do you understand?)

Blair, I want to tell you about me. The day that I met you I was going to eat a bullet. I couldn't take it any more. Between my senses and not finding anyone to love, ever, I was so depressed. Then I met you. There was something there that sparked my life again and I knew I could go on. That's what you need. A spark. I would like to be that spark, Chief. But please don't call me Sparky.

I love you and I wish for us to take care of each other. Promise you'll think about it.

Love, Jim

Jim got out of the truck and walked upstairs slowly. He knew he was going to have his hands full and had to be in the top of his form for all of this.

Unaware of what was transpiring, Blair made the lasagna casserole and was singing a sad song as he worked. He jumped a foot off the floor when Jim walked in and said, "Jim? What are you doing home?"

"I never want lasagna again. Throw it out, okay?" Jim had tears in his eyes and Blair had no idea why.

"What's wrong, Jim?"

"Two of your friends decided to play a trick on you today and they read your journal." Jim watched for Blair's reaction and was surprised when there was none.

"So?"

"So? Chief, you talked about killing yourself. I brought the damn thing home to show you what I said to answer each part."

"Well, that's nice, but I was kidding around." Blair continued to make dinner.

Jim threw the journal at Blair and then picked up the lasagna and threw it in the trash, kicking it once he was done. "Read this, right now. Sit down and read it and I want to talk."

"You can't make me stay here, Jim."

"You think not? I'll fucking force you. I'll tie you up until you see things my way. Do you get it now?"

"I get that you would hold me against my will."

"Blair, just read the journal and then we can talk. I'll let you decide once we've talked." Jim went into the kitchen and started cooking something else for dinner. Like either of them had any appetite.

As Jim chopped up potatoes for homemade potato soup, he could hear sniffles coming from Blair. Very soft, but still there. He knew there would be much more than that before the night was over.

Jim always put carrots and onions in his soup, which freaked people out, but Blair loved it that way. The base used two cans of evaporated milk, and Blair always teased him about just shooting fat into his heart. Jim got the butter out and put two sticks in. Yes, he could hear his arteries closing as well as he could hear Blair starting to cry. It was breaking his heart, but Jim knew he had to leave his Guide alone until he was done. Blair had to make up his own mind. He could only hope that Blair would choose life with him. Jim realized he would even settle for just life.

The soup was cooking nicely and Jim knew that Blair was almost finished with the journal. He turned the soup off, put it in the fridge and went and sat down across from Blair at the table.

"Chief, I'm here, when you want to start talking."

"You love me?"

"Yes, Chief. I've loved you for years. But I'm an idiot."

"And you were really going to eat a bullet before you met me?"

"I sure was. That night I had it all planned out. You saved my life twice that day."

"How do you figure?" Blair asked still sniffing.

"First, the garbage truck and then you kept me sane enough to make it through one more night. It was all uphill from then on. Well, okay, I had some bad days, but mostly good."

"I love you so much." And Blair Sandburg began to sob. Jim knew that was his cue. He went to Blair and held him in his arms until he was cried out. "Sleep with me tonight and we'll talk in the morning. Just sleep."

"Okay." Blair stood up to get ready for bed, followed by a very nervous Jim. He couldn't tell Blair he was scared to lose him. He couldn't tell him that there were still days where he felt he couldn't go on. Then Blair might feel that he could go back into the dark place and stay. Jim couldn't have that happen.

Once settled in bed, Blair asked, "So do you still have dark thoughts?"

"Chief, I do from time to time, but it was because I was lonely and wanted you."

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"Why didn't you talk to me, first?" Jim replied.

"Touché. Will we help each other now?"

"You better believe it, Chief. I love you so much and I'm never letting you go."

"Would you see a therapist with me?"

"Sure will. I need one too, after all." Jim answered.

"What will the guys do about this? If Simon finds out, I'm 'so' out of there. You know he'll fire me." Blair started to cry again.

"Don't cry please? I'm ready to lose it here and I have to stay strong for you. I love you, Blair."

"You can cry, Jim."

"I know, but it only makes you feel worse, in my eyes. There is nothing wrong with it, but I always feel worse."

"Do you cry?"

"Yeah, Chief. I cry. Just alone."

"So you think I'm weak right now?"

"Not at all. I wish I could do that."

"Cry?"

"No, cry with you holding me. I don't think I ever could." Jim couldn't believe he was admitting this to Blair.

"Any time you want me to hold you and you let go is fine by me. Okay, Jim?" Blair knew that Jim would never let himself go like that. But he still felt better saying it.

"Gotcha. I love you."

"I love you, big man."

"Don't even go there yet."

"Where?"

"What if I'm not big enough?" Jim sounded scared.

"Jim, I've seen you naked. You're 'way' big. Not to worry."

"Thanks, Chief. I was a little nervous."

"I think we should hold off on actual sex until we see a therapist. What do you think?"

"What I think is I agree with you. What I feel is hard and horny. I'm sorry." Blair could feel Jim's blush on his skin as he spoke.

"Want me to take care of it?"

"No, we'll wait. We'll be good."

"What do you think Rafe and Brown will do?"

"Nothing. They promised me."

"They'll think I'm weak now." Blair despaired.

"I'll explain about me first and they'll understand. Please?" Jim sounded scared to death, again.

"I'm not going to leave you Jim. I love you."

"Do you promise?"

"I'll promise if you promise me back." Blair said softly and then kissed his new love. When they finally pulled away to make breathing somewhat easier, he said, "You taste and feel just like I dreamed."

"I must have no imagination. You tasted and felt a lot better tonight." Jim said. There was a smile in his voice that Blair had missed of late. "Chief, could we forget about Christmas this year? I think we need to focus on us. And what better present could we give to each other, than to love each other every single day. Not just on the 25th?"

"I couldn't agree more. I was trying to figure out a present that wouldn't be too personal and everything I chose was. I was getting depressed about that too."

"Same here, Chief. Same here." Jim leaned in and kissed him again. "Want to have some soup?"

"Could we invite Rafe and Brown. They should be off by now. I feel like I owe them an explanation." Blair suggested.

"I'll call them now." Jim got a hold of Brown and found out they would love to come for a 3:00 a.m. dinner. Jim just rolled his eyes and went back to cooking. It was now time for the biscuits that would go along with it. He could feel that heart attack already.

"Jim, I love to watch you cook."

"Chief, I think you probably love to watch me do anything? I know that I feel that way about you."

"You're such a romantic. When are the guys coming?"

"In five minutes. They're on their way. They thought a 3:00 a.m. dinner sounded grand." Jim laughed as he shared the conversation.

"They probably didn't take anything to eat with them and are starving. I'll whip up some dessert."

The two men worked side by side in the kitchen until everything was done. When the guys showed up, Blair opened the door. He found himself in a Rafe/Brown sandwich and it felt very pleasant to be loved.

"Hairboy, if you ever have troubles, that's what friends are for. We could have kicked Jim in the butt and you would have saved all of that heartache." Brown teased. "Are you all right?" Now Brown turned serious.

"I'll be fine. I'm going to see a doctor, and hopefully, won't have to miss too much work. I can't stand the idea of not being Jim's partner." Blair hadn't thought of that and became sad.

"Not to worry, Sandburg. We'll take turns being his partner. We'll take very good care of him." Rafe assured his friend. "And then there will be Conner. She thinks she's Jim's mom as it is."

They all laughed at that and Jim saw that Blair was relaxing and starting to enjoy the banter. For the first time that night, Jim truly felt things might work out. God, he hoped so. He wanted sex soon. He wanted to suck Blair's cock until he screamed Jim's name out. He had dreams of this nightly. He wished it to become a reality.

He also wanted to slip his tongue around and inside his friend's welcoming, hot hole and give him the rimming of his life. He had always wanted to try that, but never had the nerve. Somehow, Jim Ellison felt so comfortable with Blair Sandburg, he knew he would be able to do anything to him or with him.

He glanced down and saw he was as hard as a rock and noticed that Blair saw it too. Shit... This is going to be a long engagement, I can tell. But tough Jim Ellison smiled to himself and it was not lost on Blair.

Journal of Life (The boys seek therapy)
Part 2 of Journal of Truth

Jim and Blair both had appointments at the department shrink at 2:00. They were surprised to find out that they couldn't go for therapy together until the doctor assessed them.

"That's fucking bullshit, Jim. I don't want to go alone."

"You'll be fine. Let them assess us and we'll start being in the same group."

"I don't want a group. I just want me and you."

"Do you realize you're whining? You sound like you're two." Jim was somewhat exasperated.

"It's still bullshit."

"Maybe so, but whining isn't going to help."

A very tall handsome man walked into the room and said, "Blair Sandburg?"

"Wow, I'll stop complaining now." Blair stood up and Jim growled. "I was teasing, Mr. Grouch."

Jim got up and whispered in Blair's ear, "Just hurry up and get well because I want you, big time."

"You got it, big man." Blair practically ran into the office ahead of the doctor.

"Blair, I'm Doctor Hanson. It's nice to meet you."

"Good to meet you, too. When can Jim come for the sessions?"

"He's your life-mate?"

"Yes."

"As soon as I assess how much work we need to do, then we can plan on having Jim join us. Now how would you like to tell me all about yourself?"

"I wouldn't, but I want Jim to come in, so I guess I'll play this game."

"Blair, this isn't a game. You called and made the appointment. If you don't want to be here, then you don't have to stay. Make up your mind."

"I'm sorry... I do need to be here." And Blair began to tell him all about he, Jim and the last two years. He left out a few things about Jim being a Sentinel, but almost everything else was mentioned. When he was done he looked up and smiled at the doctor. "You know what? That felt good telling you. Who would have thought I would like therapy?"

Doctor Hanson smiled and said, "Blair, we're going to take a while before Jim gets to come for sessions. I want you to know we'll work as quickly as we can, but we have to go slow enough to be sure I help you correctly. Does this work for you?"

"Yeah, believe it or not, it works."

"Good, I think we're going to get along well. Now, let's go back to two years ago when..." The doctor and Blair worked hard in the one hour session, while Jim sat in his doctor's office not saying much of anything.

"Jim, you have to talk to me." Doctor Mitchell said.

"Doctor Mitchell, I'm sure you're a swell doctor but I just want to leave. There's nothing wrong with me. I came only to please my mate."

"So you have a Significant Other?"

"Yes, do you have something against gays?" Jim almost growled.

"Why are you so angry with me?"

"I don't know. You're the fucking doctor. You tell me."

"Tell me about your friend. We could start there."

So Jim told him all about the journal and what he had said. He waited for the doctor to say something, anything but nothing came. Finally Jim said, "So what do you think of that?"

"What did you think?"

"I thought it was the worst feeling in the world. I read those words and my heart broke in two. Then he reminded me of a time in my life when I didn't think I could go on, and wanted to die. I didn't want to remember that."

Doctor Mitchell was so grateful that he had finally gotten Jim talking that he almost missed the pain that was still in Jim's eyes. "Jim, I'm going to take you off duty for about one month. Then we'll decide if you're ready or not."

"See, this is why I didn't want to come. I don't want to stay off for a month. What the fuck am I supposed to do for a month?"

"Get better. Get stronger. Find love."

"I already found love." Jim growled again.

"Well, I think you should slow down and take it easy. I'm sure that Blair will wait for you."

"Do you think he might not?" Jim was suddenly scared.

"I just said I think he will wait. Jim, you need some work. You have some ego problems and trust problems. We'll get them worked out and you'll be right as rain."

"You know, I never got that friggin' saying. Want to explain?" Jim smiled at Doctor Mitchell and they knew things would work out.

Both men were put on off duty status and went to therapy twice a week. The doctors decided that they would let the boys join group therapy as soon as they could.

Three weeks later:

Jim was snarling as he got into the truck. "Why do we have to go to Group Therapy? I only wanted to have you in it."

"Wait a minute. Who's whining now?"

"Very funny. Chief, I don't want to say things in front of strangers."

"Then don't."

"That would defeat the whole purpose."

"Do whatever you want, Jim. I don't really care. All I know is they won't let me have sex until I go to this. So I'm going. And if I get asked out, I'm going."

"Don't you threaten me, you prick." Jim shouted.

"This therapy has done wonders for us, hasn't it?" Blair snapped.

"Fine. I'll say something but not much. And stop threatening me."

"Don't do me any favors, hot shot." Blair stared out the window and knew this was a big mistake. He didn't want to lose Jim, but could feel him slipping away in the last four days. All because of Group.

When they arrived they found out it was group therapy for gay men. This calmed them down a little bit. They found seats and sat down waiting for the doctor. There were only two other men in the room.

A beautiful woman walked in and smiled at the men. "Hi... I'm Doctor Bennett. I'm going to be your host for the evening. Usually it's Doctor Freeson, but he's out of town. So, who would like to start?"

Blair lifted his arm and said, "I'll start."

"Introduce yourself and then tell us what you're feeling right now."

Blair stood up and said, "My name is Blair Sandburg and I'm scared to death at this very moment."

Jim stood up and put his arms around Blair and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"And who might you be?" Doctor Bennett asked with a smile in her voice.

"I'm Jim Ellison and I'm his other half. He's the better half. I love him so much and I was mean to him in the truck because I was scared of the group."

"Hi, Jim, I'm Mike. I'm scared all the time. It took me a month before I would even say anything."

"Hi, Mike." Blair said shaking his hand.

"This is my SO, Tyler. He keeps me sane." Mike said with such fondness they all smiled.

"He likes me a lot, can you tell?" Tyler smiled. "I'm here for him. We had a bad bout but now we're doing better. Aren't we, babe?"

"Oh yes."

For the rest of the evening, the four men talked and rarely remembered that there was a doctor in the room.

Doctor Bennett grabbed Jim and Blair as they were leaving and said, "I'm going to release you to work, as long as you remain in the group sessions for about two months. I'll send the paper work to your boss in the morning. Does this work for you?"

"Hell, yes." Jim said, trying not to jump for joy.

"I can't wait." Blair was bouncing all over the place.

Jim leaned in to Doctor Bennett's ear and whispered, "When do we get to have sex?"

"Tonight would be good, Jim." She smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Now go and have fun you two." She walked out of the room and Jim said, "Do you think we could stop at a motel or something?"

"No. We're going to do this right." Blair shoved him towards the truck and they drove home silently, both men being somewhat nervous.

Journal of Love (The boys get to have fun.)
Part 3 of Journal of Truth

Once in the loft, Jim said, "I'm going to take a shower and get ready for bed, Chief."

"Can I join you?"

"I was hoping to shave some areas of my body and I'm not sure I can do that with you in the room."

"You're shy?"

"Yeah."

"How about if I shave the areas?" Blair suggested.

"I might be able to live with that. Have you ever wondered why god gave all of that hair to a butt instead of on top of the head?"

Blair barked out a laugh and said, "Come on. We'll be fine."

They both stripped and Jim couldn't help it, he hugged Blair close and said, "I'm scared to death, Chief."

"Of me?"

"No, never of you. I worry about making mistakes and you dumping me."

"Don't worry. We'll have a rule. If you make a mistake, I'll tell you and if I make one, we ignore it." Blair teased.

"Sounds good to me. Where do you want me?" Jim asked nervously.

"Hands and knees. We'll get that bottom taken care of first, and then we'll flip you over and do the front. Sound good?" Blair asked.

"Sounds great." Jim said as he got down on all fours. Ellison, you are such a slut.

If someone were to have been listening to the boys in the bathroom, they would have thought they were having sex, when in all actuality they were only shaving. Every time Blair touched Jim's sweet ass with the razor, Jim moaned with pleasure. Yes, he was indeed a slut.

"Chief, I'm close to coming and all you're doing is shaving me. What's up with that?"

"So come. You can come again in a while." Blair finished up Jim's sweet hole and then cleaned it up. Blair began to lick the crevice and then began sucking on the rim of Jim's opening. Each time, he licked Jim would howl with need, making Blair all the more anxious to make the big man come without much more stimulation.

"Come for me, baby." Blair went back to sucking, licking and biting as Jim spread his legs further and further apart. Suddenly he shouted, "Chief." And came all over himself.

"Did you like that, big boy?" Blair asked.

"You have to ask?"

"Can I fuck you?"

"Yes."

"Now?"

"Yes. I love you, Blair."

"I love you too, Jim. Let me get my lube."

Jim stayed on the floor with his ass in the air and legs spread wide. Blair walked in and almost came at the sight before him. He was fairly certain that Jim had no idea how gorgeous his body looked in this position. If Blair had more nerve he would take a picture to keep forever. Instead, he slowly stretched his love until he felt he could take him easily. Then he showed no mercy. He began to fuck him hard and fast bringing him rapidly closer to his climax. He reached around and stroked Jim's cock three times, making Jim come once again and pulling Blair over the edge.

Journal of Happiness (The boys get to relax and enjoy each other and life in general.)
Part 4 of Journal of Truth

"So how does it feel being back at work, Chief?"

"Great, Jim. I missed it. I missed the gang. Hell, I even missed Simon."

"I heard that, Sandburg." Simon growled as he walked by their desks.

Blair smiled fondly at his boss and replied, "I saw you coming, sir."

"Jim, did you get the paperwork done for Benini yet?" Simon asked.

"Geeze, Simon. We've only been back to work for one day. Give me time to breathe."

"We haven't got time to breathe, Jim. Benini is going to go free if we don't get our asses in gear. Get to work." Simon stormed off and slammed his door behind him.

"I guess we better work on the Benini paper-work, eh?" Jim asked Blair.

"I guess so. I don't want him throwing a tanty every time we don't get our work done." Blair snickered.

The two men quietly worked and got everything ready to go up to the DA's office. Jim knocked on Simon's door and heard, "Come."

"Simon, we have everything done. Here is your copy and we'll take the original up to the DA's office now. Sorry it took so long." Jim handed the papers to his boss and Simon smiled.

"It's nice to know I still have it." Simon began to laugh. "I had a bet with Joel that I could get that paperwork done today without even trying hard."

"Have I mentioned how much I dislike you sometimes, Simon?"

"You love me and you know it. Now deliver those papers and take the rest of the day off."

"You got it, sir. See you tomorrow." Jim left almost bouncing, but stopped when he saw everyone looking at him. Blushing he walked to his desk and said, "Come on. We've got the rest of the day off."

"Jim, we just got back today. Let's finish up the paperwork and then go home." Blair looked serious.

"I'll go and deliver this to the DA's office. I'll be BACH." Jim smiled as he left the Bullpen. He never wanted to kiss Blair so badly in his life. He's going to be the death of me, I can tell.

Simon watched the two men work the rest of the day and knew things would be just fine. Things were back to normal. His life would calm down a little now.

Journal of Devotion (The boys make vows to each other about how much they love one another.)
Part 5 of Journal of Truth

"What do you mean, you want us to tell each other vows of love?" Jim asked, totally confused.

"Make a list of things you love about me and you will tell them to me and I will give you my vow of love and devotion back." Blair answered.

"I hate this stuff."

"Tough."

"So I have to do this?" Jim whined.

"Yes, get started. We're doing it tonight."

"Chief, I can't have it done tonight. It might take me a week."

"Tonight, Jim. Get busy."

"I hate when you boss me around." Jim growled.

"So put a list of things you hate too." Blair went back to writing his list.

Jim sat at the table and began his list.

Things I love about Blair:

Your ass.

Your dick.

Your balls.

The way you fuck me.

The way you suck me.

The way you cuddle.

The way you hold me when I'm upset.

The way you love me when I'm a jerk.

The way you kiss.

The way you stare at me like I'm the only person on the planet.

The way we work together and make it work well.

How good you are to our friends.

How good you are to everyone.

Please stay with me forever, Blair. I love you.

Things I dislike about Blair:

Not a damn thing.

Jim finished and saw Blair chewing on his pencil across the room. "About done, Chief?"

"Yeah, I'm done. I'll go first.

Things I love about Jim;

I love your big heart.

I love your big hands.

I love your big dick.

I love your desire for me.

I love the way you hold me.

I love the way you touch me.

I love the way you watch me from across the room.

I love the way you fuck me.

I love the way you let me fuck you.

I love how you love everyone.

I love that you saved my life.

I love that I saved yours in return.

Basically, I just love you. Stay with me forever?

Things I don't like about Jim:

Not a damn thing.

I love you,

Blair

Blair looked up and saw the misting eyes that met his and knew he had done a good job.

"Thank you, Chief. That was fantastic. I will stay with you forever. I'll love you eternally."

"Good, now will you read yours?"

Jim read his and Blair was so moved he couldn't believe it. He never dreamed that Jim would be so passionate when they first fell in love. Shows what this Guide knew.

"I'll be yours everlastingly, Jim. Thank you for loving me."

"It's very easy, Blair."

Kissing sounds could be heard all through the loft. Next would be fucking sounds. Both men made sure to mark the other so that everyone knew they belonged to each other.

Journal of Forever (The boys one year from the date of the first journal.)
Part 6 of Journal of Truth

For the last two weeks the boys had been working hard on a case that involved a child molester. Neither of them were sleeping well, eating well or having any sex. Needless to say there were two grouches living at Prospect Place.

"Happy Fucking Anniversary, butt head." Blair snarled.

"It would have to be just Happy Anniversary, dickhead, because we haven't been having any of the fucking part." Jim growled back.

"I hate you."

"You do not. You're just horny."

"So why don't we call in sick today? It's our anniversary."

"Blair, we have to find that monster. Understand?" Jim was most passionate about saving children.

"Could you at least suck me off?" Blair teased with a big smile on his face.

"When the case is done."

"Fuck you."

Blair walked out the door and went to work in his own vehicle. The drive to work gave him time to think about what was going on with he and Jim. Was Jim tired of him already? Did Jim love him anymore? His mind was working overtime on these questions and he knew he would have to talk to him and soon.

When Jim arrived at the Bullpen, he said, "I need to talk to you at lunch time."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, we need to talk." Blair went right back to work on his computer, trying to find out if they missed anything in the last five cases.

Jim watched him and began to be concerned. Is Blair sick of you already, Ellison? Have you pushed him away once too often? Jim got up and asked Simon if they could go and question the witnesses or lack of witnesses in some cases.

Simon watched the two men leave and wasn't happy with the look on either of their faces. Hopefully, a little time away from this fucking case would improve things for both of them.

Once Jim and Blair were out of the station parking lot, Jim said, "Chief, are you sick of me?"

"Oh yeah. I'm sick of you. That's why I've been depressed and worried all morning long. What's going on with you, man?"

"This case. It just bothers me."

"Jim, did things happen to you when you were young?"

"No, but they happened to my cousin and I never listened to him about it. He had a horrible life. I never got past that guilt."

"You should have told me that so I wouldn't think you were angry at me."

"Chief, I’m rarely angry at you. I love you more than anything."

"Good. But we need to have sex."

Jim pulled into a really nice hotel parking lot and the two men walked in to get a room. "Jim, we can wait until we get home."

"No, we can't. I miss you. I need you. I want you and I need you to want me back."

"Who am I to argue? Let's go." Blair practically jumped into the elevator and was bouncing all the way up to the 11th floor. As the young man almost ran to the door, Jim followed smiling the entire time. God, he's so gorgeous and I'm the luckiest man alive.

Jim took his time in making sweet love to his mate. He knew that this had to be special. Anniversaries weren't every day. Blair was always going to think back on this day and remember that Jim tongue fucked him three times in a row before the Sentinel finally fucked him senseless. Every single part of Blair had been licked, kissed and sucked upon as the day wore on.

"Thank you, Jim. I love you so much. Have I mentioned lately how good you are in bed?"

"No, you haven't. Liked that, did ya?"

"Oh yeah."

"We'll do it tomorrow with you doing the driving. How does that sound?" Jim asked with eyes shining brightly.

"I love the sound of that. Happy Anniversary, Jim."

"Happy Anniversary, Babe. I hope we have at least 50 or 60 more of these." Jim pulled Blair into his arms and they slept a little while before they had to go back to work. Damn that real life anyhow.

The following day both men had to see their therapists and were given a complete and clean bill of health. Jim and Blair agreed with them one hundred percent. Life was good. Life was great. Life was grand.

Sentinels and Guides rock. Thankfully, they rock each other. And thank god for Brown and Rafe.

The end.

Thank the author! Back to index!

Acknowledgments: Thank you, Margaret for the wonderful title. You always seem to think up great ones. Thank you to Mary for the beta. And a big thank you to Marianne for the lovely art.