Alone - Raf

I'm alone... I look around me and the only thing I see are remnants from the past that will never come back. I have been living in my office at the university for 15 days. Oh, of course the Dean wasn't happy when she learnt about my situation but, after some discussion, she allowed me to stay here temporarily. Provided that nobody knows and provided that the situation doesn't last more than a month. I tried to find another place to live but rent is way too high and my wallet is pretty much empty.

I look at the photo on my desk, the one of Jim and I looking so happy together; it was taken on our first anniversary as a couple during a fishing trip with Simon and Daryl. When I look back I see three years of pure happiness. Oh naturally, as with any couple, we had our ups and downs. The first time I saw Jim I fell in love with him immediately, one glance into his sky blue eyes affected me in such a way that I forgot, for the briefest moment, how to breathe, and his caveman personality attracted me to him so much that I could do nothing to prevent it from happening.

Of course, in the beginning, he wouldn't admit his feelings, that would have been too easy. It was after I passed out, after Kincaid's arrest at the police station, that he realized he was afraid of losing me.... That he realized he loved me. What can I say? He must have cared because he came after me and hung under a helicopter to save me and to this day it still sends cold shivers down my spine when I think of what could have happened to him. He really needs to stop doing those kinds of things before he gives me a heart attack.

Anyway... None of that is important now? Everything is finished between us. How can I rely on somebody who broke my heart into a thousand pieces? How could he do that to me? After everything I have done for him?

Everything started when another sentinel entered his territory. Jim seemed to lose control. Yes you're right, I should have talked with him about Alex at the very beginning but her behavior disturbed me...I thought that it would be better to wait for a better time. I can tell you that that was a very bad idea. Why? Because it's very simple, he threw me out of the loft, out of our home. Of course, it isn't what he said exactly, but it's what I understood. He didn't trust me anymore. But can I blame him? No, I don't think that I can.

After that, things happened very quickly. When Alex came to kill me, my last thought was of Jim. It's strange but when I felt myself leaving my body I wasn't afraid because I knew he would find a way to bring me back. And that's exactly what he did. What we shared during that moment was so intense that I have a difficult time finding the right words to describe it. I believed after all that happened, our love would live again, that once again we would become one... But I was terribly wrong, because everything I believed in was a lie... I didn't want to believe what I was seeing when I watched Jim kiss Alex on that beach. My heart broke. How could he still want her knowing that she had killed me? He tried to explain to me that it wasn't the same thing, that he didn't care for her. I pretended to believe what he told me just so he could finish his investigation.

When we returned from Sierra Verde, he wanted me to come back and live with him. I just couldn't do that, something in me was broken. So I turned in my credentials to Simon and came to live in my office. I just don't think that I would have been able to go back to work at the police station. Simon tried to dissuade me from doing it but I can be just as stubborn as he is when I want to be. That was two weeks ago.

Now I don't answer my telephone anymore; I don't even check my mail. My life is just like a puppet being led around by the strings, being forced to go through the motions but feeling nothing. I plunged into my work. Between the classes, exam corrections and the different papers that I have to write, I have no time to think but that's exactly what I want; to not have to think anymore, to feel anymore... To suffer anymore.

I know that I let myself go, I've lost weight, I have circles under my eyes, I'm totally drained, and for two or three days now I've had difficulty breathing, like there's this enormous weight on my chest. Now I know what you're going to say to me, that I should see a doctor. I would but the truth is that I can't afford to go to one. My health insurance coverage was the first thing that I had to get rid of because I couldn't make the payments. But please don't worry I am going to look after myself in my own way, it's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. I just need a little time to find another job to help get me back on track.

I hear my office door open and I sigh heavily. Today there seems to be an endless parade of students coming through my office who seem to be just as lost as me. My head is hurting, one minute I'm hot, the next, I'm freezing, even my eyesight seems to be getting blurry. I slowly raise my eyes and he's there... Jim.

His eyes are as blue as the first time I saw him the only difference being is now they reflect much sadness. For a long time he says nothing, then little by little he approaches my desk. He kneels down in front of me and slowly he reaches out his hand and caresses my face. I have no more strength to try to push away from him. The room starts spinning, I feel as though I'm leaving my body and then there's nothing more, just total darkness.

*~*~*~*~*

Suddenly I become aware that I'm walking in the jungle, the heat is so intense that it makes me very thirsty. I find a clearing where a brook is flowing through it. The water is fresh so I am able to quench my thirst there. When I finish, I look around me and notice stairs which lead up to a temple. I could have sworn they weren't there when I first arrived. At the top of stairs a wolf awaits my approach, but once I'm at the top he disappears. I look around me and a bluish glow lights up the ruins... It's Incacha !

"Welcome, young Shaman." He greets me.

"What am I doing here?"

"It is time now for you to take your fate into your own hands."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that." I tell him.

"The doubts that fill your heart, do not let them darken your horizon."

"Then what should I do?"

"Look for your light and you will know."

"And if I don't find it?" I ask.

"Then your sentinel will be lost forever. A sentinel cannot survive without his guide." Incacha warns.

"But I..."

"Look for the light."

He disappears in the same bluish light as when he arrived and then there is nothing more, just darkness. Suddenly, there is an explosion of colors, and a deafening noise, images fly by my eyes at lightening speed, but the only face that comes back to me, again and again, is the one person who counts the most to me. The one who I am ready to give up and abandon everything for. I scream his name but no sound comes out of my mouth, and suddenly silence invades my space. A sweet voice attracts me towards a bright light, I recognize this voice, it belongs to him and he begs me to return to him, to not leave him again. I open my eyes and he is there, next to me.

I can hardly believe it; his face is bathed with tears. I never thought Jim was capable of crying, he has always seemed so strong to me, so sure of himself. He smiles at me through his tears then takes my hand and brings it towards his lips and places a light kiss there. My throat is so dry I can't say a word then as if by magic a glass appears in front of me. Suddenly the room is invaded by people in white outfits and a doctor starts asking me tons of questions which I try to answer but my eyes remain fixed on Jim. He explains to me that I have pneumonia but that the worst is past. I am so tired that I fall back to sleep without dreaming.

When I open eyes Jim is there, his face reflecting all his love for me. Before I can say anything he leans towards me and kisses me slowly, then says sweet words, words which I never would have believed I'd ever hear coming from him again. I know now that we are bonded forever. I found my light, the one who lights my life and who gives sense to my existence.

My eyes melt into his and at this precise moment, I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. My throat hurts and I can hardly pronounce the words so I make a sign for him to approach, which he does, and as he leans over me I whisper in his ear "I love you". Jim's face lights up and in the corner of the room I see Incacha's face smiling at me.

At that moment I know that I made the right choice, that we are bonded forever as Guide and Sentinel, as Guardian and Shaman of the Great City. No matter what difficulties life may send our way we can overcome them, because we are one.

The End

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Acknowledgements: A big thank you to my French Beta Scilia who spend a lot of correcting my stories and to Christine who had help a lot to made this fic understandable for you. Big Kisses for the FrenchSentinel's girls... Lot of this stories were created because of you. And to Corinne for the wonderful cover.