The Fools

He wasn't even sure why he had come to this restaurant in the first place. They used to come here when they were together, even before they became more than friends; it was the first place Jim had ever kissed him in public.

Nolan's was a casual restaurant, serving a wide variety of home cooked meals. In the evenings, the lights were turned down low and the mood turned seductive and sensual. That late evening in February, sitting by the window that overlooked the bay, Jim had leaned over and kissed him softly. Blair remembered how confused he was, unsure what move to make next, but Jim had been sure enough for the both of them. He had softly confessed his love and desire for Blair, and waited with a fragile heart as Blair took a deep breath and admitted he was in love with Jim as well.

Their physical relationship had taken off after that. Inexperienced with men, Blair had learned quickly that just his presence in Jim's-their-bed was enough to bring Jim pleasure. Sometimes Blair was surprised how quickly he responded to Jim's touch, how crazy and out of control it made him feel to be wrapped in Jim's arms, being filled in a way he never had been before. Jim's love was huge, all encompassing. When Jim gave his heart, Blair learned, he gave everything. Which was why when Jim inevitably got his heart broken, more than his heart broke. The breakups left scars on his heart, dents in the soft gold of his true heart. And with each of those dents, a sadness washed over him like the tides coming, and only over time would the tides of loss recede.

Blair learned the hard way that Jim's heart turned as cold as a Canadian winter after the break up.

"...breach of trust..."

"...partner I can trust..."

Those words still rang in Blair's ears. Trust equaled love for Jim, and Blair's perceived betrayal with Alex had left a rift that Jim wouldn't acknowledge. Wouldn't even try to bridge.

With a grim, determined face, Jim had helped Blair load up his meager belongings and move into a small efficiency apartment near the university, and then without a glance back, he'd gotten into his truck and driven away.

That had been three months ago. Blair had mailed his observers pass to Simon with a simple note of thanks, and tried to ignore his phone for the week after, avoiding Simon's calls and questions. Only once had Blair heard from Jim, to let Blair know that Megan was returning to Australia and invite him to the going away party; Blair didn't attend.

Instead, Blair threw himself into his work. He worked on his dissertation, keeping the sentinel topic, but using Alex as his subject. Once a month he would drive out to the state hospital in Seattle and check on Alex, but her condition never changed. He began planning expeditions to far off places, thinking that the further away from Jim he got, the less the pain would hurt, but with every proposal he turned in, his heart ached more.

Now, it seemed, to torture himself, he was back at their restaurant. Sitting at their table, Blair ordered a bottle of wine, ignoring the little voice reminding him that there would be no soothing sentinel hands massaging his forehead the next morning when the certain headache struck. There would be no one to bring him aspirin and tea, or kiss his neck and hold him until he fell asleep again.

Already on his second glass, Blair noticed the waiter giving him a look, so he ordered some calamari and pretended to study the dinner choices. He wished he could just get really wasted and wake up forgetting everything that hurt in the last three months, but wishful hoping wouldn't make it happen. Instead, he poured more wine into his glass and took a sip, coughing and choking when he saw them.

Jim and... and HER.

The waiter hurried over with a glass of water, and clapped Blair on the back. The coughing stopped and Blair slowly sipped the water.

Rage and anger rose up in Blair's chest, he didn't know who the cow with Jim was, but he was going to.... No, he wasn't. He had no rights where Jim was concerned anymore.

Surreptitiously, he watched them. The cow was just the type Jim liked, tall, willowy, red headed. She practically glowed under Jim's gaze. Blair remembered how it felt to have Jim's eyes on him, totally focused on his every movement.

Blair watched Jim order a bottle of wine, coincidentally the very same wine he was drinking. Jim and the cow talked softly, their heads bent close together, and Blair wished for Sentinel hearing.

Jim laughed at something she said, and she smiled. Blair could almost see her mentally weigh how long it would take her to drag Jim into her bed.

Jealousy flashed through his eyes and a wicked possessive hand drove him to stand. Gripping the edge of the table for support and strength, Blair fought the urge to stalk over there and pull the cow away from his man, but then reality slapped him in the face once again, reminding him that Jim wasn't his man anymore.

Sighing dejectedly, Blair pulled out his wallet and dropped a couple of twenties on the table. He grabbed the half empty bottle of wine and left Jim and his date behind.

***

The banging on his front door echoed in his aching head.

"Hold on," Blair called, a hand pressed against his throbbing temple.

As the door opened, the smile dropped from Simon Banks' face.

"You look terrible," Simon said without preamble. "Looks like you really tied one on last night."

"Feels like it, too," Blair said, closing the door and blocking out the bright mid-morning sunshine.

Watching Blair shuffle to the kitchen and gulp down some aspirin, Simon said, "What happened?"

Blair poured Simon a mug of coffee and carried it over to the small table, and they sat down.

"I saw Jim last night."

Raising an eyebrow, Simon said, "I take it it wasn't good."

"Not even remotely good. He was on a date."

"Oh," Simon said, sipping his coffee. "Did you talk to him?"

"Talk to him, hell, he didn't even know I was there," Blair sputtered. "He was so wrapped up in her, I was fucking invisible."

"Maybe he just didn't see you, Blair," Simon tried to reason.

"No, see... Jim could always sense me, he would always know where I was. Last night... it was like I didn't exist to him anymore."

"You know that's not the case, Blair."

"Do I? How do I know that? From all the times he's called me? All the times we've talked in the last three months?" Blair ran his hands through his hair.

"No, from experience," Simon said softly. "From living and working with him for the last three years."

"It's different."

"No, it's not. What does Jim do when he gets hurt?"

"What?"

"Answer the question. What does he do?"

"He... he retreats."

"And?"

"He closes down, shuts himself off. But it wasn't like that last night," Blair said, sighing. "You should have seen him with her. He was so into her, like when we... like he was with me. Listening to every word I said, looking into my eyes. He was totally into her."

Dropping his head in defeat, Blair sighed raggedly. "He's over me."

I wouldn't be too sure Simon thought to himself, remembering the way Jim shuffled around the bullpen looking like someone had kicked his dog.

"I guess shopping for a birthday present for Daryl is out now, huh?" Simon said with a grin, hoping to take Blair's mind off Jim.

Looking up, Blair smiled weakly. "I'm sorry, Simon."

"It's okay," Simon said, standing up to leave. "I'll just get him a gift certificate to the electronics store."

"He'll love it," Blair said, following Simon to the door.

***

"Hey, Simon," Jim said, opening the loft door at the knock.

"What? No more opening it before I knock?" Simon roused, stepping into the loft.

"Next time," Jim said, walking back into the kitchen. "Coffee?"

"Sure."

Simon sat at the kitchen table, feeling a bit of déjà vu, and waited for Jim to bring the coffee to the table and sit down.

"You look like shit," Simon said, taking his cup from Jim.

"Feel like it, too."

"Did you have a date last night?"

Looking over the rim of his coffee cup, Jim studied Simon. The question seemed innocent enough, but it niggled at Jim.

"Yeah," Jim finally said, "with Denise."

"Getting serious?"

Pinning Simon with a hard look, Jim asked, "What's going on here?"

Dropping the pretense, Simon came clean. "What about Blair?"

"What about him?"

"Are you just gonna let him go?"

"He chose to leave."

"Did he?" Simon asked, leaning forward. "Or was it just the easiest thing to do? Let him walk away without working anything out."

"Simon, you don't know what happened."

"Maybe I don't know the specifics," Simon agreed, "but I know you, I know how you are when you think you're right."

Jim opened his mouth to object but was stopped by Simon's big hand in his face.

"You act like a stubborn jackass and don't listen to anything anybody says; you shut people out when you get hurt."

"And he doesn't."

Simon shrugged. "Maybe he learned it from watching you."

"Oh, yeah, blame it all on me," Jim said sarcastically, waving his hands in the air. "It's all my fault. Well, it takes two to screw things up!"

"But it only takes one to say 'I'm sorry'."

"Why should I?"

"Because you still love him," Simon said softly.

Jim sighed and looked away, "But it doesn't matter, he's moved on."

Simon recalled eerily similar words coming from Blair just an hour ago.

"What about the Sentinel stuff? Your senses?"

"You don't need to worry about them, I... I have then turned down."

"Turned down?"

"To be safe, I have then turned down. I only use them when I need them."

"Is that a good idea?"

Sitting back, Jim sighed, "I can't risk having them 'up' all the time; I don't want to zone out."

Cause there's no one to bring you back Simon finished in his head.

"So, you wanna go shopping with me to find a present for Daryl?"

Jim laughed and said, "Maybe you should just get him a gift certificate."

***

Blair was deep into a pile of essays when he was startled by a knock on his office door.

"Come in," he called distractedly, trying not to lose his place in the boring essay.

He was surprised to see the cow-Jim's date, from three days prior.

Dropping his grading pen, Blair stood up, noticing she was taller than him and hating her a little more.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

She held out her hand and said, "I'm Denise Pierson, I'm seeing--"

"I know who you're seeing," Blair said, ignoring her outstretched hand.

"Oh, well, then I'll make this quick."

Blair crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

"Jim's a great guy, really nice and good look-"

"You don't need to tell me about Jim!"

"Right... well, look, he told me about you two, and while I don't even claim to understand something like that, I want Jim."

"He's yours," Blair said with a wave of his hand.

"You don't understand," Denise said with a sigh. "I think he's still in love with you."

"No way," Blair muttered, but Denise didn't hear him.

"And until you tell him there's no hope for a reconciliation, he's not gonna be with me."

"Denise, Jim is so far over me, it's not even funny."

"So you'll talk to him?"

"No, I will not talk to him!"

"Why not?"

"Why should I? He's your problem now."

"Please, Blair," Denise begged. "Jim's just the greatest guy and I-"

"Fuck!" Blair shouted. "Fine! Fine, I'll go talk to him."

"Thank you so much."

"Shut up!"

***

Blair arrived at the loft half an hour later. Standing in front of the door, Blair waited. He had expected Jim to hear him in the hallway and open the door, and the fact that it hadn't happened made Blair even more weary than he had been.

Jim definitely isn't tuned in to me anymore.

Finally, Blair knocked.

It took a few minutes for Jim to answer the door, but when he did, Jim couldn't hide the surprised look on his face.

"Chief, what are you doing here?" Jim asked as Blair walked in.

Blair took a moment to look around the loft, seeing the empty spaces his moving had left. Seeing them somehow made him feel sad.

Turning to look at Jim, Blair jumped right into it. "Look, I don't want to waste your time, but Denise came to see me today."

"What?"

"Yeah," Blair said, running a hand through his hair, "anyway, she thinks you're still in love with me, but I told her-"

"But I am," Jim said softly.

"-she was wrong... What?!"

"I love you. I'm still in love with you."

"What?!"

Jim grinned at the shocked expression Blair's face. "Loving you was never the problem."

"Oh. Oh right." Blair dropped his head. "You can't trust me."

"Actually," Jim said with a wry grin, "it's me I can't trust."

Taking Blair's hand, Jim led him to sit on a couch.

"You know my history with relationships, Chief. All my past lovers have left me, and I was just waiting for you to do it too."

"So you pushed me away instead of letting me explain what happened."

"Yeah."

"And we both got hurt even worse."

Jim only nodded.

"Do you trust me?" Blair whispered, needing to know this answer as much as he needed to breathe.

"With every fiber of my being."

"Why didn't you come to me?" Blair cried.

"I didn't think you'd take me back, not after the way I hurt you."

Blair pulled Jim into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"I could barely breathe without you."

"I know," Jim said into Blair's hair. "I felt like I was dying, so empty and alone."

Pushing away from Jim, Blair asked, "And Denise?"

"Denise is only a friend; yes, she wants more, but I can't give her that, my heart, my love, belongs to you," Jim said sincerely. "It always will."

"Then why... "

"Why what?"

Sighing, Blair said, "I saw you out with her the other night. I was sitting across the restaurant and you never even knew I was there. Any other time, Jim, you would have picked up on my scent or my heartbeat or something and found me. You were totally into her; I was invisible to you."

"Aw, babe, you don't understand."

"What don't I understand?"

"I don't use my senses any more, not unless it's for a case. I just can't take the chance of... of them screwing me up, especially with..."

"Me not being by your side."

"Yeah."

Blair slid back into Jim's arms and whispered a fierce promise, "I'll never leave you again."

Their lips met, sealing Blair's promise between them. It was a clash of heat and slick tongues, seeking absolution and forgiveness. Their tongues rekindled the untended fire of their love and stoked it, building them up to a fevered pitch.

Aching, they fell back on the couch, hands seeking all the old familiar spots, freeing their cocks with a minimum of fuss. It wasn't as much a coupling as it was a union of two broken souls seeking to heal their shared pain. With loving strokes, they shattered into a million pieces, following each other into joyous oblivion.

Still breathing hard, Blair mumbled something virtually unintelligible into Jim's neck, but the Sentinel in Jim, who was back on line full time, heard the uttered prayer.

"Always."

***

A knock woke them from their post-coital nap. Jim grinned at Blair's totally mussed hair as he slipped out from under Blair's pliant body. Wiping at the drool spot on the front of his tee-shirt, Jim opened the door.

"Denise, what are you doing here?" Jim asked, closing the door slightly to prevent her entry, but she had already seen enough.

Blair was already on his feet as she pushed past Jim and stood accusingly in his face. "I asked you to talk to him, not-"

"We talked," Blair said, grinning at Jim.

"Yeah," Jim said, smiling at Blair. "And thank you, Denise, for getting us back together."

"Oh, fuck you, Jim," she said, storming past him and out of the loft.

Jim gently closed the door and walked back into Blair's embrace.

"So, should we take her up on her suggestion?"

"Well, it worked the first time," Blair said, taking Jim's hand and leading him upstairs.

He was home. They both were.

The end.

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Acknowledgements: Thank you to Angst Puppy for the great cover. Thank you to Silk for the beta. And numerous thanks to 'my girls' who kept at me to finish this--Patt (always!), Lily, Silk, Mary...my own personal cheering squad.