Emptiness - PR1

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This is a partner story to Sue's Holding On.

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I looked around the room and saw everything that reminded me of Blair.

The good things and the bad.

All there for me to see and feel.

He walked out on me this morning saying he was confused.

Confused about what, is all my fault.

I know that I adore him and that's all I really need to know.

But he needs more then I can give him.

He's my life, my love, my every thought.

What more could I need, want or desire?

The sun is slowly setting making my sadness seem even deeper.

I glance out the window and wish I could see Blair's car driving up.

He won't be driving up anytime soon.

All my fault.

I don't have any right to follow him.

I fucked up big time.

Sleeping with someone else while you're with Blair is not only wrong, but should be against the law.

I don't deserve him.

He's lucky he's getting out now.

Why bother telling him that I didn't actually sleep with anyone.

Only thought about it.

I was scared.

I thought I still needed to be with a woman.

It's all the same thing.

I hurt him.

God, I miss him so much, already.

I'll never be whole again.

Where is that whiskey bottle at?

I need those pain pills in the cabinet to help me erase this pain.

The whiskey will help them work harder.

I won't miss him so much soon.

Laying back against the sofa, I dream of his sweet face.

I never deserved him. Ever.

Everything is going black.

I wish I had said more before he left me.

Too late now, Ellison. Too late now.

I'm at a hospital and doctors are working on me.

Fuck...

They're not going to let me go.

I can't help it, I start to sob softly.

Simon holds my hand and tells me things will be all right.

As if.

They'll never be all right again.

There is no one to fill that emptiness I had.

I'll have to learn to walk around with that hole in my heart.

Blair, I'm so fucking sorry.

I did love you.

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Acknowledgments: This is for Sue.