Ambivalent Series 1: Detach With Love - Caro Dee
Ambivalent Series 1: Detach With Love - Caro Dee
I grab myself another beer and head back to the balcony to take up the sentinel's position in the doorway. How many times have I seen Jim standing here, silently staring out as he watches over the Great City? The lump in my throat gets larger and I swallow back tears.
It's been two years today since Jim disappeared.
At first, I was certain he'd been kidnapped. I hounded Jack Kelso to check with his contacts to determine if Brackett or any of Oliver's or Kincaid's organizations had escaped. Jack came up empty. Simon didn't need my push to check out local bad guys with grudges. The morgue agreed to check each John Doe for the possibility it was Jim.
I... it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but after a week of searching and coming up with nothing, I went back to the academy, did the makeup work and aced the tests. I had to be a cop when Jim came back. And I needed the police resources to find him.
After a month, everyone else stopped looking. There was no evidence of foul play so it had to be done on their own time and enough was enough. I didn't take it graciously, but the guys pretty much let my temper roll off their backs. They know how important a man's partner is. But I know what they think. I've overheard them speculating in the break room, when they think I'm not around, about whether Jim is in the Bahamas or Tahiti.
Because Jim left a note.
Hey Sandburg,
Sorry to quit on you like this, but I'm just tired of this Sentinel business and I know you won't let it go. We've had our ups and downs but your friendship has been important to me and I'll always remember you. I couldn't have made it without you, Chief.
You don't have to worry about anything. I've set things up with my lawyer and you can stay in the loft as long as you like. Forever, if you want. You'll just have to pay for upkeep and taxes. If you ever want to buy it, it's yours. If you don't want to live there anymore, let the lawyer know and he'll sell it.
Jim
I couldn't let myself believe it in the beginning, but I think I always knew. I've lived with Naomi all my life and I can smell 'detach with love' bullshit a mile away. The arrangements with the lawyer is typical Jim -- taking care of me at the same time he's walking out on me. It would have been easier if I thought somebody was standing over Jim holding a gun to his head while he wrote it. But the lawyer is real; he just doesn't know where his client is.
Why didn't I ever see this before? I was the one who was raised to leave at a moment's notice; Jim was the one who committed to things and stayed. Right? Fuck no. The pattern was there and I just didn't see it.
Jim walked out on his family and never looked back. Whatever dysfunctions were there, there was love as well. He left the Chopec and their response to him in Cascade was affection and respect, so I'm guessing Jim was welcomed as a tribe member there. He always insisted he didn't remember much of his time in Peru and I bought it as the senses confusing him, but maybe... maybe he didn't need to remember.
Old friends and lovers constantly reappeared in his life, and Jim would welcome them warmly and talk about how tight they'd been, but after they were gone, he'd never mention them again.
I'm beginning to think Naomi's a rank amateur at detaching, because she actually keeps in touch with a lot of people after she's left. She'll just get an impulse and drop back into their lives for a week. That reminds me that I'm just about due for another visit soon. It'll be good to see her. I'll talk about Jim and she'll smile sadly and talk about karma and energy connections and meeting loved ones again in the next life. It'll be good.
I don't think he's coming back. But I have to keep looking. I have to find him and tell him that I don't care if he doesn't want to be a sentinel. It's his life and his choice. I just want my friend back.
The beer's empty. I head into the kitchen to rinse it out and then toss it in the recycling with the others. Then I boot up the laptop and start going through the national newspapers looking for traces of Jim. Tomorrow, I'll check the international ones again.
